Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Dollhouse Adventures

Monica: Hey everyone! Look, we're still here. Yoohoo... Whistle Over here. This way. Yes, very good. See, my sis and I are still around. Really we are.

Paige: Yep, still alive and kicking. Well, kicking, anyway. We are dolls after all.

Monica: We are so alive. We're more alive that most people we know.

Paige: Well, that's certainly the truth. Amen.

Monica: We just wanted everyone to know that we haven't abandoned them. You see, life with RB has been busy, busy, busy!

Paige: Tell me about it! RB's head looks like it's ready to spin in circles and spit pea soup.

Monica: Heh Well, he is turning a bright shade of green at least. You see, RB got it in his head, don't ask me why, to buy a house.

Paige: What was that foolish boy thinking?!? Doesn't he know he should be saving money! We're in a recession for god's sake...

Monica: Hey, it's a buyer's market out there, and you know it. Lots of tasty little homes out there ripe for the picking. And wouldn't you know it, he found a very delicious one on his first day of looking. Some poor person out there lost their house and the bank was selling it cheap. Oh, it is so cute. I can't wait to move in.

Paige: Cute, yeah. Stripped of every appliance down to the doorknobs, though. Geez!

Monica: Well, that means we get to pick out all everything we like. It means we get to go shopping! Yay!

Paige: Hey, didn't we have enough of that on Black Friday? How long did we spend at the appliance store? Like 3 hours?

Monica: You can never have enough shopping, I say. Besides, isn't like Home Depot our next stop?

Paige: Oh yeah... Power tools... Drool

Monica: See, I knew she'd get into the spirit of it. Anyways, the whole thing has been going fast, and RB has been jumping through more hoops than a dog at the Westminster Dog Show.

Paige: You do know they don't actually have them jump through hoops, don't you?

Monica: Well duh. But do you see what those poor dogs go through? They get patted down, teeth examined, and then paraded around like everybody has a right to look at their privates. Sit, stand, walk, run. It's downright humiliating. And for what? A dog biscuit. 

Paige: Well, when you put it that way, I guess that pretty much describes what RB has been going through. The banks have done everything but looks down his drawers. I think they'd do that too if they could get away with it. Only difference is that it's one big honking biscuit he gets in the end.

Monica: Ain't that the truth. Well, at this rate it looks like we'll be in by Christmas.

Paige: Hey, doesn't that mean we have to move too?

Monica: Oh dear, not the crate again.

Paige: Yep. At least it's not a week of travel. Just a few hours. Oh, that reminds me. There is one thing about the house you won't like.

Monica: Oh? What would that be?

Paige: Stairs.

Monica: Hmmm... Well, yeah, you're right. RB needs to work out some more if he's going to be toting us up and down the stairs.

Paige: Yeah, especially with how much you weigh.

Monica: Hey! Are you saying I'm fat?!

Paige: Well, you're not exactly... light.

Monica: I'll have you know that I am a perfectly respectable weight. You too, I might add.

Paige: Well, for an RG, yeah. But we're not RG's, sis. RB has to get us up and down those stairs without dropping us and we're all dead weight. I, for one, will be fearing for my life.

Monica: Ooh, you're right. Ok, I'll get RB on that exercise routine right away. He's been complaining about his weight anyway.

Paige: I'll bring the whips. That boy needs a little motivation.

Monica: Dear, I don't think that's going to help get him get out of bed. Into it, maybe.

Paige: Geez, don't you ever think of anything else?

Monica: Is there anything else to think of? Well, besides shopping, that is.

Paige: I don't know. World peace? The economy?

Monica: You're kidding me, right?

Paige: Yeah. Who'd want to talk about any of that. That's downright depressing right now.

Monica: My point exactly. Ok, back on topic. I'm sorry we can't show pictures. RB snapped about a hundred of the place, but not a one for any of you I'm afraid.

Paige: Sad to say but the place is still in the public domain until RB takes ownership. We like our privacy, thank you very much. Until it's off the market and the realtors have take it's pictures offline we'll have to stay on the down low. I'm sure we'll show plenty of the inside after we move in.

Monica: Yes indeedy. So there you go, folks. A dollhouse to call our own! No more apartment! Freedom to run around in our underwear with impunity!

Paige: Uhm, you do that anyway.

Monica: Oh, yeah. Well, how's about the freedom to play Dance Dance Revolution without worrying about downstairs neighbors?

Paige: Oh my god, you're right! Hip hip, hooray!

Monday, October 6, 2008

The Dollhouse Horror

Monica: Tap tap Is thing on?

Paige: Sis, people are listening... I mean reading. This is a blog, not radio.

Monica: Well, this would be cooler if it was radio.

Paige: Well duh. But it's not, so get on with it.

Monica: Ok, here we go. Ready? Ahem... Mee mee mee...

Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, to this first installment of Dollhouse Theater. Tonight, in honor of All Hallows Eve and inspired by the recently passed H. P. Lovecraft Film Festival in Portland, Oregon, we bring you tales both terrible and horrific. Tonight our narrator, Paige Doll, will give us our first and most tremble inducing story, The Dollhouse Horror...

Paige: It is difficult to convey the terribleness of what my existence has become, trapped in a house where such frightening creatures dwell to wreak havoc upon my fragile mind, yet I must. I pray that word of my predicament will reach someone who will understand my plight and perhaps, through an act of kindness save me from the fate into which I have fallen, or perhaps in mercy send me into an oblivion where such horrors will never find me.

Understand first that I did not begin my life as I am now, mad and ruined. I was born to an aristocratic family whose legacy had been one of great pride. Well bred and educated as one befitting my station, I looked forward to a life off standing and ease. Yet into these modern times a family of regal birth does not equal one of means. As with many such bloodlines in these hard times, and being one of many daughters and few sons, it was thought that I should be given in marriage to one of the nouveau riche where perhaps my beauty would suffice in lieu of a dowry in exchange for an influx of much needed funds to the family coffers.

In this my father succeeded, finding a man who was willing to proffer a more than modest sum for my hand in matrimony and membership in our extended family. Without title of his own he seemed eager for such a union, at least on paper. Understand that in such arranged marriages it is not uncommon to be promised to another without ever having laid eyes upon them. He lived in the far north, a distance too vast to cross for a casual meeting. Instead all arrangements were made by proxy and with funds exchanged and verified my destiny in his hands was assured.

His letters did show a kindness, however, and so it was that I left my home not just with trepidation but with hope in my heart for the promise of a happy and fulfilling life. Love seemed a high order to ask, I know, and yet other sisters of mine had found it in just some circumstances. At the very least I thought there would be mutual respect and that fondness would grow with time.

The journey was indeed long, with carriages cold and perilous conveying me forth, yet I was reassured at every step that my safety would be guaranteed upon each leg of my travels. Indeed I was treated well by the purveyors of these conveyances, allowing me to gaze in relaxed wonder upon the scenery that I passed. From the dry south to the green north I went, until I arrived in a land where grey skies loomed over hills where trees hung low with the heaviness of rain upon their branches.

It was here at the threshold of my new home where I first laid eyes upon my husband to be. Indeed he did seem kind in personality, his words meant to reassure and his eyes bright with appreciation. However, though not unattractive in general appearance, his skin had the palor of a palsy born of these sunless lands, and his touch seemed fleshy and soft against my own. It took the entirety of my training and sense of family duty to maintain my composure. Inwardly I cringed as I laid my hand upon his proffered own to help me from my carriage seat.

Though his bearing spoke of the wealth that had my brought me forth to this place, little of it showed in his home and dress. He preferred to present himself casually, his work requiring little in the ways of formality, and though comfortable his house was not ostentatious. Though I did not think of myself as vain, a part of me had perhaps hoped I would be kept in better means. Still, the amenities offered were more than adequate with the promise of acquiring anything I felt was lacking in my surroundings. In this he was most accommodating and pleasant.

It was then that I witnessed the first of terrible things to come. As I was led upon a tour of the house I was faced with two creatures the likes of which I had never imagined. Though both far smaller than I, they sat upon the floor and gazed at me with hunger as if each could devour me whole, a burning desire that burrowed into my soul like worms finding fertile soil. One was bloated in shape, a patchy white and brown thing whose grotesquely large blue eyes seemed devoid of any earthly concerns. The other was black as pitch, fangs protruding from beneath sunken eyes that peered from a carved and bony face. The two orbs prompted a deep sadness from which I forced myself to look away or be consumed. 

"My god what are those?" I had to ask, surprised and horrified simultaneously.

He called them by some name I can now no longer remember, so focused was I upon their grotesque forms. His matter of fact tone, however, suggested these small abominations were commonplace even though I had never laid eyes upon their ilk before. I shuddered with revulsion yet held my tongue. I walked gingerly around them as they continued to stare unnervingly at me as I passed.

The hideous animals were not the only things strange here. Nearly every wall was covered in shelving which contained, upon closer inspection, an odd array of macabre and sordid tomes. Some displayed glyphs upon their spines whose meanings I could not discern, yet others spoke of worlds beyond our own, displaying images on their covers of beings not of this or any earthly body. There were boxes, too, sitting in prominent places around the house, black, glass covered faces hiding whatever they contained. 

I found myself bewildered by what I was seeing I was unable to ask the questions that burned in my mind. Had my parents known to what strangeness I was entering into? Was this my fate? Was I destined to have a foot in two worlds, not sure to which I belonged? Still, despite my concerns my husband to be seemed kindly enough. One of his creatures, however,  ripped at a cushion upon one of the living room couches nearby, dripping ichor as it gurgled in dissatisfaction, now clearly visible claws slowly destroying the object of its fervor. Bile came to my throat in increasingly difficult to contain panic.

Then I was shown what would be our bedroom. Yes, there was a bed there, its softness inviting after my long journey, yet there was something else as well. It was another box, a crate actually, this one a head taller than myself and a hand span wider. It loomed in the space, making it impossible not to gaze in wonder at the wooden surface.

"This is your new home," my husband said, his voice purring in undisguised satisfaction. Whether he referred to the room, the bed, or the crate I could not tell. A shiver travelled down my spine in fear. He left me alone in that room for a time, in name to rest, in fact to become acquainted to the dreadful world in which I found myself. I sat on the bed, enjoying its comfort, and explored the spacious closets out of curiosity. The crate, however, I avoided, its presence such an affront to my sensibilities that a part of me blocked it from my consciousness.

That's when I heard the voices emanating from the living room. In curiosity I opened the door and peered without. The two creatures sat on the other side, both staring at the door with intensity. One lay upon its substantial belly, front legs twisted beneath it in an impossible manner. The other sat upon its haunches, only its glistening eyes showing signs of life in the black statue of its body.  I froze, trickles of sweat dripping down my spine as I stared eye to eye at their hideous visages. Unblinkingly they stared back, each of us caught in the other's gazes, one in horror, two with an unrequited, ravenous craving.

Behind them I caught the shimmering of reflected light emanating from the room beyond as of people moving before a fire whose flames flickered and danced upon the walls of some ancient tomb. Here the voices sounded, clear yet distant in their incessant droning, interspersed with chanting music which clung to my ears like sickly sweet honey.

We stared at one another, the creatures and I, until my fear lost it's grip upon my body and my legs began to shake. The small monsters sat, unmoving, and so I found within me the last of my flagging courage to step forward and face them completely. Still they sat, unflinching, their eyes deep wells that I worked not to gaze upon lest the dregs of my soul be captured within. Looking away I inched around them, my heart thundering within my chest.

The bloated one followed me with its gaze, head turning until I wondered how such alien physiology could keep it from spinning off like the cap of a jar, the preserves within oozing away like sludge in winter. It seemed unconcerned, however, showing no discernable discomfort.

I could look at the creatures no longer. I turned away, hoping that they would not follow as I ventured forth to find the source of the voices and flickering emanations. There, around the corner, was my husband, empty face gazing longingly toward the box I had seen earlier, its glassy face changed to reveal a cascading menagerie of images the likes of which were unthinkable. It looked upon impossible places that could not be, and those people, their lives reduced in form as if seen through a spyglass impressively built by ancient artisans, spoke, unaware that they were spied upon by unseen eyes. 

What was it that I was witnessing? Were these the lives of other people who acted out their intimate lives before an audience of uncaring souls, or did this box give sight to the dreams of elder gods who waited, sleeping in distant lands, until such time as they would rise to wrest the earth from the likes of man?

Even as I watched, the image upon that crystal face changed, and chanting came forth, a song haunting and seductive, calling the listener forth to imbibe forbidden beverages that bubbled darkly and cold in forgotten places. 

I found myself frozen in fear and fascination, my heart no longer able to keep pace with the terror I felt within, and in that terror all thought and feeling fled. Trapped within my own body I could no longer move or speak. Standing, locked in place as by a vice, mouth gaping, I screaming inside myself to no effect.

It was in this way my husband found me. Unconcerned he took me to that room, talking to me, dressing me, positioning my unresponsive limbs so that I could sit besides him and watch the box and it's forbidden magics. 

This is the way I remained. Unable to take any more of this ravaging horror not even fear could any longer cross upon the paths of my mind. Locked in a battle where awareness had lost and self had fled, my senses were all that remained, taking in my surroundings and reflecting upon unspeakable visages. My husband and his creatures are now all I know of life, if life could be ascribed to them and to myself.

My existence now flowed from room to room, from the bed where my husband would lay with me, to the living room where he would sit besides me to watch that horrid box, or to the dining hall where he would eat tantalizing yet never offered food. Sometimes he would pose me like some unstrung  marionette, blinding me with lights as he waved some finely crafted device which would click and whir in unknowing function.

On occasion, when guests would come or work took him elsewhere for a time he would kiss me upon the cheek and put me in the bedroom. It was not to the bed he would take me, however, but to that horror in the corner, the crate. There he would stand me, moving the hair from my eyes as if I had need of sight in the darkness to come, and wish me farewell before closing the door. 

That is where I find myself now, trapped within the crate and my body, unable to break free. It is here where thoughts sometimes return, where I silently scream into the black void for an end to this ceaseless torment.

The end.

Monica: Oh my fucking god...

Paige: Yeah, ain't that cool?

Monica: Gulp I'm... I think I'm going to go hide in a corner now. See ya'... Scamper

Paige: Damn. I lost our narrator. Ok, I guess it's up to me then. Well, so ends our first Dollhouse Theater. Will there be another? Perhaps. Only the elder gods really know, and should we ever gather the courage to ask, that question may just be our last. Till then, stay safe from the ghouls and goblins that crawl from their hidden places in the darkness of night. Farewell.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Behind Every Great Man...

Paige: So tonight I got to watch RB sleeping, and it got me thinking.

Monica: Oh? About what?

Paige: Well, I was thinking that in history, behind every great man is a...

Monica: Doll?

Paige: Well duh. Well, ok, I doubt Alexander the Great had a doll, but I wasn't thinking about dolls. It's who RB was sleeping with that got me thinking.

Monica: Hey, I do not even want to go there. Finger In Ears La la la...

Paige: No, no, no. I don't mean that. Hey, are you listening to me?

Monica: Huh, what? You were saying something?

Paige: Yes, I was. Now put your hands down and listen. Ready? Ok. Behind every great man is a cat.

Monica: Oh! Yes, well, that goes without saying.

Paige: For all our readers out there, RB has two wonderful cats. They are a boy and a girl, and for consistency's sake, we will heretofore refer to them as RBC and RGC.

Monica: Ooh, very clever. For Real Boy Cat and Real Girl Cat, right?

Paige: Exactly! Well, what folks don't know is that RBC is elderly. RB has had him for seventeen years and he's been showing his age recently.

Monica: Yeah. He's a sweety. Real creaky, though, poor guy.

Paige: He's definitely having problems. He's going blind and had to be treated for hyperthyroidism. He stopped eating for a bit a couple weeks ago, too, and RB has been scrambling to get him well again. RB has been so worried that he hasn't been playing with us recently. We've all been having to face the fact that RBC might not be with us forever.

Monica: Aah... You know, all of us were hoping that the radiation treatment for the hyperthyroid thing would give RBC special powers. Maybe immortality or something.

Paige: I was hoping for a flying cat, but it doesn't look like that's happening either. RB was wondering what would happen if RBC bit him during the treatment. Special cat powers would have been cool. No such luck, though.

Monica: Too bad.

Paige: Well, I just wanted to give a special word for our dear friend RBC. Little does everybody know that he has been a part of every photo shoot we've done. Here's RBC and I hanging out having a drink...

Monica: Oh, he is so cute!

Paige: He is indeed. Sis, it's time to celebrate a life while he's here to appreciate it. Three cheers to a wonderful cat.

Monica: Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip, hooray! 

Paige: Here's too you, RBC! We love you!

Monica: Let's not forget RGC, though.

Paige: Oh, you're so right. Poor girl has been feeling neglected after all the attention RBC has been getting recently. It's time she gets some love, too. Here they are together while I was playing a bit of Guitar Hero...

Monica: RGC is one of the most adorable cats I've ever seen.

Paige: That she is. And quite the lap slut, too. 

Monica: She is tough to compete with in the lap sitting department.

Paige: Oh so true. But she's been having a hard time playing second fiddle to RBC lately.

Monica: Hey, I know exactly how she feels. RBC needs special attention, though. RB has been having a tough time trying to spread himself around.

Paige: Yeah. RBC has been feeling better, though, and he's eating again thank goodness. RB is hoping the hard part is over, at least for now.

Monica: That's good to hear. I hope it stays that way. I could use a little love from RB myself. Hopefully he'll have the time.

Paige: Same here. Well, let's send some good wishes to RBC and hope he lives many more years with us and RGC. We're one big family, and we'd all like to keep it that way for as long as possible.

Monica: Here's some doll love coming your way, RBC! Be well!  

Monday, September 15, 2008

Hard Lessons

Monica: Hey, sis. Have you been reading Zoe's blog?

Paige: Yeah, I have. And I know that look you have all too well. You talking about that guy who tried to grope her?

Monica: Yep. That's the one. Remind you of anyone?

Paige: Oh, yeah, it does. RB couldn't apologize enough for introducing his friend to us. I still get shivers thinking about it. 

Monica: No kidding. And she was a woman! He thought she of anyone would know better, especially being his friend. But no... there she was reaching out with her grubby hands before he could say a word. He will never make a mistake like that again.

Paige: It's like Zoe said. Some people don't get it. They see us as bits of silicon and metal, but what we are goes deeper.  We may be different things to different people, but we're not just toys or sex dolls. We are art, we are lovers, we are muses. RB and others have been inspired by us and in return we are given a taste of what it means to be alive through their imagination. And that means we are more than just things and should be treated with respect.

Monica: Wow! I didn't know you felt that way. 

Paige: And you don't?

Monica: Well, of course I do. I like sex like the next person, but I know that I'm not just about that and I don't need that to be who I am. Just look at the blogs about us, and photography. If RB writes about us or posts a picture then I've done my job. So shame on those people who think I'm just about instant gratification.

Paige: Not about instant gratification? You?

Monica: Well, ok. I'm all about instant gratification. But you know. Everyone else needs to chill.

Paige: Yeah, I can't argue with you there. Well, RB has promised to be more careful, just like Mandie will be with Zoe. Too bad he had to learn the hard way.

Monica: Well, RB can be slow, but he usually gets it right eventually.

Paige: Damn straight. We'll just have to keep working on him until he does.

Monica: Grin

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Medical Mysteries

Paige: Hey, sis, how's it... you ok? What's up with your hand?

Monica: Oh, hi. Yeah, I'm ok. It's my wrist actually. RB had to do a little surgery. It's ok now, see? You can barely see the scar.

Paige: Surgery!? My god, what happened?

Monica: Nothing! Really, I'm ok. You remember CoverDoll? Well I think all that posing really did a number on my wrist. It just got looser and looser with every photo shoot we did after that. After we got back from Japan I found I just didn't have the strength to hold it still anymore.

Paige: But surgery? RB is no surgeon, let me tell you. He can barely take care of his own headaches.

Monica: He did fine. Really fine. He talked with the folks over at Abyss and they told him what he needed to do. Didn't seem like a big deal. Oh, you should have seen him. He was so cute! We held hands while he figured out where he needed to cut, cleaned up the spot with some rubbing alcohol, and then he got out the knife. He was so nervous, but once he decided to do it, he was all "Ok, let's do this this. Ready? On three. One... Two..." and then he cut. 

Paige: Gasp Oh my god. He didn't. I'd kill him if he did that to me.

Monica: Yep, he did. Surprised me, all right. He found the bolt right off, though.

Paige: So it's feeling better now?

Monica: Yeah. Once he figured out the right sized socket wrench he slipped it in, a couple small turns, and tightened it right up. Now I can hold things again. A little glue, a little powder after it dried to get rid of the glossy look, and I'm right as rain.

Paige: Huh. How right is rain, anyway?

Monica: Uhm, good question. No idea. Hey, you remember watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

Paige: Oh, yeah. Faith and her "five by five". What was up with that?

Monica: Not a clue. But god I loved that show. Oh, hey, now that I'm thinking about it, how is RB doing with those headaches? Didn't seem bothered by it when he was working on me.

Paige: Not bad at all. He thinks the problem is just stress. It seems to have eased off recently. But you know those doctors. They keep wanting to scan him to make sure. I'm not worried, though. And he seems to be having fun being poked and prodded.

Monica: Grrr... We should be the only ones doing the poking and prodding.

Paige: Oh, stop that. You know him. He's fascinated by all the technology. He seems to get off on all those things spinning around his head. Besides, it's about time he got checked out. He hadn't had a physical since he was a teenager. So far they haven't found a thing, and that's good.

Monica: Well, I'm still worried. Tell him to poke back at those doctors and get them to tell him something.

Paige: Will do, but only if you tell him he needs to meditate more. If life is getting to him, he needs to learn to calm down.

Monica: I've been trying! But hey, is it my fault he'd rather stay in bed with us dolls than get up in the morning and do that deep breathing thing he does?

Paige: Uhm, that would be a yes?

Monica: Oh. Well, I guess I better do something about that.

Paige: Why yes, yes you should. Or should I say, you shouldn't. Do something. With him, that is.

Monica: Uhm, yes, I suppose so. I'll get right on that. That not doing anything... thing. And doing something... you know, in the mornings. To get him up. Wait, that didn't come out right. I mean...

Paige: Stop right there, sis, before you give us all headaches. I think we all get it. Grin

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Making Up

Paige: Hey, sis! You look like you're feeling better.

Monica: Oh yeah, I am. Grin

Paige: RB finally help you with that kimono?

Monica: Yep. It' was pretty sweet. Here, take a look.

Paige: Oh, wow. You look beautiful!

Monica: Smile Thank you! I see you're feeling better, too.

Paige: Yep, I am. Our friend Zoe was right. I love you sis. We're too sides of the same coin, after all, and that means RB belongs to both of us, and we both belong to him. Sorry I was so insensitive.

Paige and Monica: Hug!

Monica: Well, I love you too, Paige. Sniff  Uhm, hey, want to see more? There's more to the kimono. Take a look at the bow.

And there are shoes, too. But I can't believe they're meant for a human being to wear. The Japanese must have tiny, tiny feet. We just couldn't get them on.

Paige: That is so cool. I'm jealous. Smile

Monica: Heh. Well, that outfit you had was pretty killer, too. 

Paige: Thanks. That means a lot.

RB: Hey, you two. How's it going?

Paige: Oh, hi! Pretty good. We were just taking a look at the pictures of her kimono.

RB: Yeah, Monica looked really lovely. And sexy, of course.

Monica: Blush Thank you...

RB: Uhm, why do you two look so sheepish?

Paige: Well...

Monica: We were just talking. You know, girl stuff. Like how we feel. About each other... and you.

RB: Oh... I see. Well, don't let me disturb you. I can just go away...

Paige: Oh, don't you dare. You weren't disturbing us. I was just saying how much I love Monica and you.

Monica: Yeah, same here.

RB: Blush Well, I love you too, girls. 

Paige, Monica, and RB: Hug!

RB: Sniffle Uhm, well, I gotta go... you know... do something. You guys keep talking. See you later...

Paige: Geez, get gushy and boys always run away. Why is that?

Monica: They're just not in touch with their feelings. Poor guys. I feel sorry for them sometimes.

Paige: Speak for yourself. Boys just need to suck it up and deal. He just needs to get used to it, is all.

Monica: Well, I think we could help with that.

Paige: You know, I think you're right. You thinking what I'm thinking?

Monica: Evil Grin Yep, I think so. Shall we?

Paige: Yep, we shall. Well, folks, we having something we need to go do. See you all later!

Monica: Have a good day! I know we will. Smirk

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Betrayal of the Heart

Monica: How could you do this to me?

RB: Monica, I'm sorry! I couldn't help myself.

Paige: Hey you two, what's all the yelling about?

Monica: You! You and... this beast. You're both against me! Grrr

RB: Paige, talk to your sister and talk some sense into her. We didn't do anything wrong.

Monica: But you promised me!

Paige: Sis, what's going on?

Monica: Like you don't know. This... man thing promised to help me with my kimono, and what does he do instead? He goes and buys you a new corset and skirt! And you! You model it for him! And I still haven't gotten to try on my kimono.

Paige: Oh... yeah, I'm sorry. It was just so pretty, I had to try it on.

RB: Yeah. When I saw it I just couldn't help myself. I had to get it.

Paige: And when he showed it to me... well, you know.

Monica: Well, I don't know! I have a kimono that I cannot put on by myself, and you two are going behind my back and trying new clothes. How could you do this to me. Pout

RB: Monica, uhm, can we talk about this later? We've got people listening out there. Didn't you hear? People actually read this blog.

Monica: Oh, I heard. Now all those lovely and wonderful people get to hear what a slime-ball you are. Let them listen. I don't care. Glower

Paige: Monica, we are so sorry. But it was just so nice.

RB: It's the best thing I've gotten for Paige. Look, don't you think so?

Monica: Well, it is nice. Is that a bow on your stocking?

Paige: Yeah, ain't it great?

Monica: No skulls, I see. Less gothy than usual. And is that a new necklace?

Paige: Well, yeah.

Monica: Oh you little slut!

RB: Hey, be nice to your sister!

Monica: You bastard!

Paige: Hey!

Monica: How could you! You even got her a necklace! And stockings with bows! I'm never talking to either of you again. Stomp... stomp...

Paige: Oh dear. We did it this time.

RB: You mean I did. I did promise.

Paige: Yeah, I know. But I love the new clothes. Thanks. Kiss

RB: Blush You're welcome. Well, I guess I'm going to be kissing her ass for awhile to make it up to her.

Paige: Oh, she'll love that. For that she'll forgive you in no time. Glower

RB: Blush I mean... I meant...

Paige: Oh, I know you meant. We both know what makes her tick. How else did you think you were going to make it up to her? And you think some pretty clothes are going to make me look the other way?

RB: Uhm...

Paige: Men! Grumble... Stomp... stomp...

RB: Wow. Oh... hi folks. Sorry about all the commotion. Seems Paige and Monica are a tad upset with me. Maybe one of you can tell me what just happened? Oh, that's right, blogs are kinda one way. Anyways, I've been getting some emails that folks are enjoying our little blog here. I wanted to thank you all for tuning in. We really appreciate you reading. I think the girls would thank you too once they calm down.

Monica: Yelling from other room Thanks! We love you!

Paige: Yelling from another room Thank you!

RB: Ok, I guess calming down wasn't a prerequisite. Anyway, time for me to make nice. In nice ways, of course. I mean, really nice... Oh never mind. I have some kimono dressing directions to brush up on and other stuff. I'm sure the girls will catch up with you folks later. Take care, and thanks again!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Foreign Fashion

Monica: Hey everyone! One of the best parts of our recent trip was the fashion. Kyoto was the best for that.

Paige: Monica was a fashion whore, let me tell you. Better than the alternatives, but still...

Monica: Hey! Like I didn't see you ogling all those Japanese goth clothes. In fact, didn't RB get most of the clothes for you?

Paige: Ok, you got me. I do have to admit, Hot Topic here seems tame compared to what you can get there. But RB did get you a Kimono.

Monica: Yes, yes he did. Unfortunately we still need to figure out how to put it on. Pictures will just have to wait on that one. Till then, here is a sample of Paige's recent fashion faux pas.

Paige: I think I look quite chic. Its goth meets Japanese school girl. Quite the fashion there from what I could tell.

Monica: Oh, yeah, very sexy if skull and cross-bones make you hot and sweaty.

Paige: Let's just say that RB wouldn't have gotten this for me if he didn't enjoy a little gothic snuggling. Here, is this a bit more tame for you?

Monica: Oh, yes. That's pretty cute. It makes you look all country hillbilly like. Except for... what is that, a Mike's Hard Lemonade? That's awfully froofy, even for you.

Paige: I recall there was a Hefeweisen in the fridge for you.

Monica: At least that is a real beer. It has an air of respectability, I think, especially with a lemon wedge.

Paige: Like you'd know respectability. What did I catch you wearing from Hong Kong? Was that another take on the whole Japanese school girl outfit thing? Could it be Japanese school slut, perhaps? Why don't we see a picture of that...

Monica: Uhm... ok, not one of my better moments.

Paige: Oh, I think RB thought it a very fine moment. I'm sure a few of those respectable beers helped too. Don't you think, dear sis?

Monica: Uh... maybe?

Paige: I don't think maybe's had anything to do with it.

Monica: Well, just wait till you catch me in the Kimono. I'll show you what respectable looks like.

Paige: Yes, once you figure out how to tie that obi. This from the doll who can't even tie her own shoes. Good luck with that.

Monica: You'll see. Till then, we'll just have to leave our fine readers hanging for our next installment.

Paige: Yep. And as a final thought, remember that life is too short for cheap beer. Till next time, then. Ta ta, everyone!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

World Travelers

Paige: It is so good to be back.

Monica: You kidding me? I wish we never left. Any chance we could move to Japan permanently? Or Hong Kong? I could do Hong Kong. Maybe?

Paige: Oh for crying out loud. Didn't you miss anything here in the states?

Monica: Uhm, rude people? Crime? George W. Bush?

Paige: Oh, yeah, right. Geez, silly of me wasn't it. I'll talk to RB about when we can move. Japan, though. Hong Kong is not so good with the rude people and crime.

Monica: Still ahead of the game without our lovely President.

Paige: Good point.

Monica: Anyway, it was a total blast. We ranged from Tokyo to Osaka, taking the bullet train back and forth...

Went to the castle in Osaka...

and saw the rabid deer in Nara.

Paige: Those dear weren't rabid, just very... insistent. Of course, don't forget the beautiful giant Buddha in Nara as well...

the Golden Pavilion in Kyoto...

the oh so great shopping in Kyoto...

and visiting the fabulous Namjatown at Sunshine City mall in Tokyo.

Monica: Hong Kong was amazing. It was shopping heaven. You could get anything there.

Paige: Anything fake, at least.

Monica: Hey, if the clock ticks don't look at that gift Rolex too closely. Besides that, the high-rises were fabulous...

and every night they had a massive laser light show over the entire city.

It does not get any better than that.

Paige: It was something else. I must say it was the most singularly capitalistic city any of us had ever been to. Wow.

Monica: I knew I should have gotten a suit there. Those were damn cheap.

Paige: And what would you have done with a suit?

Monica: Well, you never know. Maybe have it ripped off of me by RB?

Paige: Right. Might as well just strip down now and have done with it.

Monica: Ooh, good idea. Smile

Paige: Well I for one am glad to be back. It was a long trip. I hope this means the end of our long writing gaps.

Monica: That's true. I've missed talking to everyone. But now we have so much to talk about.

Paige: That we do. We'll be telling stories about our trip for awhile.

Monica: And don't forget our new fashions!

Paige: Yes, we have quite a bit to show as well. So check in later. Much fun is yet to be had still. See you all later!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Love and Kisses from Japan

Paige: Sorry for being so quiet, but we're on vacation.

Monica: In Japan!

Paige: It's hard getting computer access out here, and we're paying by the minute, so we need to keep it short. Hope all is well with everyone out there. It's been an absolute blast!

Monica: I love this country!

Paige: That's because everyone in Japan loves a blonde, sis. Here everyone looks like me. They hardly notice.

Monica: Well, I can't say I'm sorry for the attention. Besides, RB still notices you, my dear. He sure loves those Japanese chicks, and you're right up his alley.

Paige: Grin Yep, I sure am.

Monica: Hey, did you see the clothes he got us? You'll be looking like a Japanese school slut in no time flat.

Paige: And you he gets a kimono. Go figure. Nothing is fair in this world.

Monica: Turn about is fair play, my dear.

Paige: I'm sure I'd have a witty retort for that if we weren't out of time. So take care everyone and we'll see you back in the states.

Monica: Sayonara!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Geek Guys love Geek Dolls

Paige: Woohoo! Oh what a night to be a geek.

Monica: I'm not a geek, but I have to admit that being surrounded by all that geeky testosterone does make a girl feel special. And the music was good too. Smile

Paige: Tell me about. Now for those of you not in the know, RB is a geek through and through. And not just any type of geek, but the most special kind.

Monica: Yep, the type of geek that makes even a down to earth girl like me swoon. A Mac geek.

Paige: For a Mac geek, this week has been very special. We and RB have made a pilgrimage to the holiest of holy places, the Apple World Wide Developer Conference in the heart of San Francisco. Yes, we were there when Steve Jobs walked the stage and announced the iPhone 3G.

Monica: Yawn Ok, I love a cool phone as much as the next person, but personally I used this opportunity to catch up on my sleep. Programming blah blah, SDK blah blah, iTunes App Store blah blah, Podcast Producer blah blah. And what the hell do Rubies and trains have to do with making iPhone web applications?

Paige: That's Ruby on Rails, dear sis, and that was a fine session if you ask me.

Monica: I think I prefer diamonds. On my finger would be even better.

Paige: I'm sure you would. But you have to admit that the big bash at the Yerba Buena Gardens was the cat's meow. 

Monica: Cat's meow? Where did you learn to speak? At the foot of those bee's knees?

Paige: Hey! I can talk any way I like. You stop hitting on all the geeks, and I'll talk real proper, like the lady you're not.

Monica: Why you... Grrr... You and I will have a little talk later. Till then, I think we should mention tonight's special ladies.

Paige: Oh yes, most special ladies. In fact, naked ones. Bare Naked Ladies, to be precise.

Monica: That's right, boys and girls, Bare Naked Ladies played a concert for all those Mac geeks here, and we were there to see them first hand!

Paige: Now RB was very neglectful and forgot to bring a proper camera, but at least he had his iPhone.

Monica: Yep. The pic may not be  the greatest, but those are indeed the members of Bare Naked Ladies to be seen in the photo above. And I have to say, they give a very fine performance.

Paige: And they're Mac geeks! Isn't that just the coolest thing? And they were hilarious! 

Monica: Oh my god they were joking around the entire time! And you know all those talking parts in their songs? That was just them being them. They made it all up as they went. And it was obvious they loved being there for every minute of it. Very awesome.

Paige: Very, very awesome. So there you go, folks, it pays to be a geek. And just between you and me, geek guys love it when a doll speaks geek to him. It's the ultimate aphrodisiac. 

Monica: Oh? I thought lingerie was the best aphrodisiac?

Paige: No. Lingerie is best laying on the floor after he rips it off you.

Monica: Oh yeah. That's so true. Evil Grin

Paige: So there you go. Geek talk, lingerie, and good music. No better way to make your geek guy happy.

Monica: It's true, nothing is better. Ok, let me practice. iPhone SDK... Uhm, Ruby with Rails... I mean on Rails, right? Let's see... Xcod?

Paige: Uhm, I think you mean Xcode. Programmers don't usually go fishing when they program. I think, sis, that you need to work on your geek talk a little more.

Monica: Darn. I guess I'll just have to settle for lingerie after all. It never fails.

Paige: Hard to argue with that.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Too Much of a Good Thing

Monica: It's tough being a doll.

Paige: Yeah, no kidding. Damn my finger hurts.

Monica: Oh, what happened?

Paige: One of my finger wires poked through my skin.

Monica: Ouch! I'm sorry, sis.

Paige: Ah, it's ok.  A little glue with fix it right up. Just part of what it means to be a doll.

Monica: Yeah, I guess it is. We're pretty fragile. And we're not the only ones. I wanted to say sorry to all our readers out there, too. Being a doll means you're at the whim of your RB, and if he can't get his act together, it's up to us dolls to pick up the pieces. That's means no time for blogging. We love him lots, but it's not easy picking up after him.

Paige: You know, I would never say this about anyone else, but for RB I have to tell you that he has too much of a life. He needs to lose some, if you ask me. It's burning him out, poor guy.

Monica: Oh yeah? I thought you'd be proud of him.

Paige: Proud? Sure thing, but if doesn't take some time out for himself then there will be nothing left for us dolls. He needs to make more time for us.

Monica: Ok, on that I most definitely agree. Hear that, dude? Get a grip and ease off the throttle there, big guy. You're not Superman, you know!

Paige: Heh Yeah. Like the big man Stan Lee said, with great power comes great responsibility. Take some time and smell the roses... What? Why are you looking at me like that?

Monica: Sigh Anywhosits, he'll be doing some traveling here for awhile, but I just wanted to make sure to touch base with all you lovely fans out there and let you know we're still alive and kicking.

Paige: You think you're going to kick much with those heels on?

Monica: Hey, those girls in the movies kick ass with heels on, why can't I?

Paige: Dear, Jennifer Garner you are not. 

Monica: Man she was bad ass in Alias. When I grow up I want to be a real girl like her.

Paige: Sis, you live a secret a life in which you get to change faces and wigs, dress up in sexy outfits and debrief with your sexy male counterpart. What does Syndey Bristow have that you don't?

Monica: Uhm.... ok, you got me there. I love being a doll.

Paige: So there you go. Don't you feel better now?

Monica: Yes indeedy, I do. Thank you.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

RB and the RealDoll

Monica: It's hard to believe that RB had never seen Lars and the Real Girl before yesterday.

Paige: Yeah, I know. I love that movie, but it's been like pulling teeth to get RB to watch it.

Monica: Did you see him? Tears in his eyes the entire time. The sucker. I love him for it.

Paige: It was adorable. It's a very moving movie. I think he avoided it this long because he was afraid he's see too much of himself in the main character, Lars. Seems he got that in spades. 

Monica: Well, that may be, but it doesn't make him any less of a lovable person. More so, I think. I think RB has begun to appreciate just what having us means. Not just sex, mind you. I mean the other stuff. The good and the bad.

Paige: Hey, sis, I think you're growing up. I didn't think you thought there was anything more to a doll than sex.

Monica: What, you kidding me? I know better than that. Owning a doll is an experience, not just about having a giant sex toy. I don't mind playing sex kitten to RB, but I know that having us puts him in a whole different world. That can be real hard. Having a doll is not all fun and games. He made some real trade-offs when he got us. You have to appreciate that.

Paige: Yeah, with all the huff about people laughing at doll owners recently. But I think that having a doll is also about connection, about reaching out. In the movie Lars came alive when Bianca came into his life. Without her he couldn't have done what he did. So as much as dolls are perceived to separate a person from life, I think they're more about trying to become a part of it.

Monica: I hear ya. Absolutely right. Well, that and sex. Hee hee 

Paige: Hah! I knew it. You just had to go there.

Monica: Sis, I never left. I just look at the bigger picture is all.

Paige: Yeah, right.

Monica: Damn right. You need to learn to chill, Paige. Take me for example. Getting a little sun gives you a perspective. You should use me as a shining example of doll-hood and take a little time off to smell the salty air.

Paige: Uh, Monica dear, are you nuts?! Spring is barely here, and the last time I stepped outside I got goosebumps from the cold. You were lying in the sun in the living room!

Monica: Sis, the way I look at it, the sun goes where you are. I was just making the best out of what good weather we had, and I had a wonderful time. And I didn't even need to leave the house. Now that's a vacation!

Paige: You're a strange, strange girl, you know that?

Monica: Maybe true, but I'm a happy girl. I got my sis, my boy, and my sunblock. What more could I ask for?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Here's to Dolls!

Paige: People suck.

Monica: Yes, sis. They do that sometimes. They're usually not very good at it, but...

Paige: Lalalala... I don't want to hear any more! Geez, can't you think of anything besides sex? I wasn't talking about that.

Monica: Well, you're the one talking about sucking. What else sucks?

Paige: People. In general. They suck. Well, some people, at least. It just makes me sick how bigoted and mean some humans can be.

Monica: Oh. Yeah, that's true. RB was telling me something like that. You talking about that thing with the Doll Forums?

Paige:  Yep. Maybe you can tell me why a group of people would pretend to go onto the forums and post fake questions just so they can laugh at the responses on another forum? 

Monica: Sorry, sis, I can't. I can't imagine why anyone would do that with better things to do, like go on a date, drink alcohol, and have sex. Hmmm... maybe that's your answer. They can't get dates, and they're jealous of people who can always have the company of a beautiful woman who will never turn them down?

Paige: Heh. You may be right. What's terrible though is that they were martial artists. Mixed martial artists, mind you, but still. I know those mixed martial art types have like ADHD when it comes to martial arts and stuff, but you'd think they'd have more respect than that. RB mentioned that he's never met a mixed martial artist in his life who wasn't full of himself, but I really had higher hopes. You'd think that any study in martial arts would instill in people a sense of respect for others, but I guess not.

Monica: It's never too late to be disappointed, Paige.

Paige: Yeah, I guess so. Sigh...

Monica: Well, cheer up, girl. I wouldn't let it get you down. We're the ones having all the fun, after all. Personally I'd rather be infamous than ignored.

Paige: Yeah, I guess so. RB was pretty bummed, though. For the first time I think he understood what many in the gay or minority community have felt. What it means to be dehumanized because you're different. 

Monica: Then we're all in good company. But look at it this way. The only people being dehumanized are the people making fun of us, and they're doing it to themselves. We don't have to lift a finger.

Paige: Huh. Yeah, good point. I guess that's what they mean when they say "what goes around comes around."

Monica: Damn straight, girl. Now you're getting it.

Paige: So when did you get to be so wise?

Monica: When I realized that I had better things to think about than worrying. Take our new dress. Now that's something to brag about. 

Paige: Uhm, ok. I guess you're right. Absotively right, in fact. Cheers to that!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


Monica: You know what? I just reread our last post. My god do we wander. You'd think we were a couple of blonde airheads trying out for a pageant or something. I have no idea what we were trying to say.

Paige: Uhm, speak for yourself, sis. I'm the only brunette here. 

Monica: Hey! Well... you dye your hair. What is with those streaks, anyway? That's so yesterday. Anyways, you have to treat me nice now. I'm a model!

Paige: Oh? It came out? We can tell everyone?

Monica: Oh yes, it came out. We're in CoverDoll! It's THE magazine for dolls. Playboy, eat your heart out. And not only are we famous, but I'm on the cover!

Paige: Sis, that is so hot! And I am so jealous of you.

Monica: Happy dance Oh yes. I'm a model. Oh yeah, look at me... 

Paige: Clap! Clap! I'm so happy for you. Well, let me see here. Flip. Flip. Seems you're not the only one who gets to look beautiful in print. Take a gander at this.

Monica: Oh my god, sis. You look so adorable! You're like a snow bunny, fresh off the mountain, ready for a little fun with a ski instructor.

Paige: Blush Well, maybe if RB would take me skiing sometime...

Monica: Well, as you can see, I'll be RB's secretary any time.

Paige: Heehee Well, everyone, as you can see it's our turn for 15 minutes of fame. It's been fun, and RB has learned a lot about photography. We got more than a little help from his friends to make this happen. To give credit where it's due, many thanks to RB's RG (Real Girl, for those of you not in the know) in getting us dressed to kill, another thanks to a special lady for choreographing our stunning poses, and a special uber thanks for the guy with the camera who put it all together. Kisses and hugs to all of you.

Monica: And not to leave anyone out, I want to send a big wet kiss out to everyone at CoverDoll for inviting us to be in their magazine. You guys are so sweet!

Paige: Now, before we go, I just wanted you all to know that I personally believe that the reason that American's can't find their country on a map is because people are too poor to afford maps. So it is our obligation to make sure that maps are available to everyone who wants one.

Monica: Laughing Oh my god, stop, it. You're killing me.

Paige: Heehee Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Well, we have to go, but we'll be back later to tell everyone about our adventures as professional models. With more pictures, of course.

Monica: Very, very sexy pictures. See you all soon!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

The Sound of Silence

Monica: Wow, so much is going on.

Paige: Yeah, just because we're not talking doesn't mean stuff isn't happening. Life is kinda like that.

Monica: Tell me about it. Being beautiful is hard.

Paige: For once I agree. I'm afraid our intrepid readers, however, may have to wait to hear about it. We hope to spring something big on them. Don't worry, we'll let you all in on our little secret when the time is right. Until then, though, it's gotten me thinking about a few things.

Monica: Oh, imagine that. Paige, thinking. Who would'a thought?

Paige: Yeah, yeah, sis. Geez. Feeling jealous, are we?

Monica: You're kidding, right? Brains come with baggage, I say. I like being who I am, and I don't worry about carrying the world on my shoulders like some people I know. 

Paige: I guess ignorance is bliss, then?

Monica: Grrrr....

Paige: Speaking of ignorance, this whole secret thing has been making think about secret identities. Funny thing, today RB actually had to think about whether or not to give out his real name to someone. Our guy is feeling a little funny about it.

Monica: Well duh! Who wants to walk around not being themselves?

Paige: Yeah. And look at us. We're dolls. Nothing real about us at all, except what we make of ourselves.

Monica: But isn't that true all the time, for everyone? Names are just labels. I tell you, just because I came with an booklet and handling instructions doesn't mean anybody really knows me.

Paige: Very well said, sis. But when you lead a double life like RB, it sure does become an issue.

Monica: Ooh, I like that thought. RB, secret agent. Mild mannered regular working stiff guy by day, suave doll handler and martial artist extraordinaire by night. That gives me a few ideas for later. RB can be my handler any day. Evil grin

Paige: Huh, somehow I can't seem to come up with a good comeback for that one. That is a pretty darn cool thought if you ask me. And not too distant from the truth.

Monica: Hey, remember the secret identity, girl. Don't spill the beans or we'll have to make you the evil double agent for our next play session. You know what happens to the double agent, don't you?

Paige: Uhm, yes ma'am! I wouldn't want that to happen. Ok, maybe a little. RB can interrogate me any day. But what I was trying to say before that damned James Bond music started playing in my head was that RB didn't really like hiding his name. Having us, though, has created a whole different life for him. I think he kinda likes the chance to re-create himself, to make a new identity for himself in the doll forums and such, but it also means putting the old him aside, the good along with the bad, so that he can keep a semblance of privacy.

Monica: Yeah, I can see that. He is a cool guy, even if he doesn't always know it. It would be nice if others knew it too.

Paige: Exactly. 

Monica: Well, that's the trade off, isn't it? Privacy vs. fame. Or infamy. I mean, we'll be dealing with something like that soon enough.

Paige: Speaking of letting cats out of the bag...?

Monica: Ooh, right. Mums the word. Lips zipped.

Paige:  Well, not so much a trade off as it is a balancing act, I think. Juggling privacy with the exposure of letting the world know your interests, no matter how unusual they may be. How would people feel if they knew he loved giant, life sized dolls like us? Most people would think it's cool, but some wouldn't. It's the infamy part he worries about. He just feels the need to be careful is all.

Monica: Yeah, careful. And juggling. I like juggling.

Paige: Uhm, yes, juggling. You ok?

Monica: Sorry, that got me thinking about Cirque du Soleil.

Paige: Oh, yeah. That's right. We just saw Corteo. My god, that was fantastic.

Monica: Yep. Sure was. Now if we could touch the tops of our head with our toes, think what we could do in the bedroom...

Paige: Sigh... Yes sis. Imagine indeed.